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Bright Light
Sep 04, 2018 by Analieze Cervantes
A small sacrifice to pay for a lifetime of happiness.
I just didn't think I'd be here.
My life has changed for the better and I can't believe it took us this long to realize that we meant more to each other than we ever knew. I was caught up in what I thought I wanted and never fully understanding that he was all I needed. Caught up in who I thought was the "right one". Scraping off the person I am just to accomodate those around me. Just to accomodate the men I thought were right for me. Just to feel some attention... To keep them and never lose them. Yet, I can't hold onto something that was never mine. Something that never made sense, no matter the many times I try to make the puzzle pieces fit. I can try to force them in but they won't hold their place.
For years, I broke myself down-- fought for those who didn't deserve my unconditional love and attention. I fought just to feel something, anything. Losing a bit of myself. I didn't understand the reasons behind the many failures I had to fight to get through. I always told myself, that I wasn't good enough. That no one wanted me because I wasn't pretty enough, or didn't give up the most valuable gem. I was lost for a long time. But, now I truly believe that there's someone out there for everyone. Since I was a little girl, my mom always told me "It's always going to be the person you least expect. The one who will give you everything you deserve and be that person for you. So when you stop looking-- that's when you'll be ready for a lifetime of happiness."
Every time she said that... I'd roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, we'll see." Boy, was I wrong?
I've known this man all my life, went to school together, our families were always close and then for 5 years we were separated. We didn't talk, we didn't see each other and we didn't even bother. I didn't think about him for 5 years even though I knew deep down, I always had this wonderful feeling toward him. He made a choice and I made a choice. We made a choice not to be with each other and to not admit to ourselves that we had feelings for each other. We didn't want to admit that we were wrong. For the last 5 years, I dated a bunch of guys (free food is always good) and they somehow always left me. I didn't understand their reasoning. "Oh, I'm too busy", "it's not you, it's me", "Can we do another day?", or "I'm not ready to committ to a relationship". I hated them for making me feel one thing and then in a split second... they'd break my heart.
I just didn't understand then.
Now, everything is crystal clear.
Like I said, my life has changed for the better. I'm extremely happy. I'm glowing. My heart feels like it's been healed. I feel like I can do anything. I feel like God has finally given me what I've been lacking for so long. I thank him. In just 2 weeks, this man changed my life. He's made me realize that there are good men out there... I just kept holding onto those who never really mattered, who weren't for me. Who weren't made for me. I feel lightweight. I feel like the smile has finally cemented into my cheeks. He's caring and attentive. He's changed in the last 5 years into a man I always thought he'd be. He is nowhere near to the little boy who made fun of me, or was just a jerk for no reason. He's finally a man, a man I'm proud of.
So yes, everything happens for a reason. Even through separation, growth, and decision making.
Whatever is yours will be yours. I know that now more than ever.
I'm excited for this new adventure of happiness.
I just didn't think I'd be here.
My life has changed for the better and I can't believe it took us this long to realize that we meant more to each other than we ever knew. I was caught up in what I thought I wanted and never fully understanding that he was all I needed. Caught up in who I thought was the "right one". Scraping off the person I am just to accomodate those around me. Just to accomodate the men I thought were right for me. Just to feel some attention... To keep them and never lose them. Yet, I can't hold onto something that was never mine. Something that never made sense, no matter the many times I try to make the puzzle pieces fit. I can try to force them in but they won't hold their place.
For years, I broke myself down-- fought for those who didn't deserve my unconditional love and attention. I fought just to feel something, anything. Losing a bit of myself. I didn't understand the reasons behind the many failures I had to fight to get through. I always told myself, that I wasn't good enough. That no one wanted me because I wasn't pretty enough, or didn't give up the most valuable gem. I was lost for a long time. But, now I truly believe that there's someone out there for everyone. Since I was a little girl, my mom always told me "It's always going to be the person you least expect. The one who will give you everything you deserve and be that person for you. So when you stop looking-- that's when you'll be ready for a lifetime of happiness."
Every time she said that... I'd roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, we'll see." Boy, was I wrong?
I've known this man all my life, went to school together, our families were always close and then for 5 years we were separated. We didn't talk, we didn't see each other and we didn't even bother. I didn't think about him for 5 years even though I knew deep down, I always had this wonderful feeling toward him. He made a choice and I made a choice. We made a choice not to be with each other and to not admit to ourselves that we had feelings for each other. We didn't want to admit that we were wrong. For the last 5 years, I dated a bunch of guys (free food is always good) and they somehow always left me. I didn't understand their reasoning. "Oh, I'm too busy", "it's not you, it's me", "Can we do another day?", or "I'm not ready to committ to a relationship". I hated them for making me feel one thing and then in a split second... they'd break my heart.
I just didn't understand then.
Now, everything is crystal clear.
Like I said, my life has changed for the better. I'm extremely happy. I'm glowing. My heart feels like it's been healed. I feel like I can do anything. I feel like God has finally given me what I've been lacking for so long. I thank him. In just 2 weeks, this man changed my life. He's made me realize that there are good men out there... I just kept holding onto those who never really mattered, who weren't for me. Who weren't made for me. I feel lightweight. I feel like the smile has finally cemented into my cheeks. He's caring and attentive. He's changed in the last 5 years into a man I always thought he'd be. He is nowhere near to the little boy who made fun of me, or was just a jerk for no reason. He's finally a man, a man I'm proud of.
So yes, everything happens for a reason. Even through separation, growth, and decision making.
Whatever is yours will be yours. I know that now more than ever.
I'm excited for this new adventure of happiness.