In the Reflection
Feb 09, 2019 by Analieze Cervantes
This poem In My Head, I believe is one of my best ones yet because it shows every level of emotion I was feeling. Looking back at it now, and I can't believe how broken I felt. Literally, scraping the rim of my heart until I was over it. I was genuinely lost. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know whether the things I wanted was right--for me. However, I realized that the things that are meant for you will come back, full circle because it was always meant for you. You can't force things. You can't make people love you, or force them. Things will happen naturally. They will happen without you thinking about it or questioning it because "What's meant for you, will be."
This was right after I received the news of my Father. How terrified I was. How I wanted the attention from somebody that wasn't for me. Wasn't created for me. At this time, I was scared about the things that were going to come next and I seeked attention from men who didn't care for me like I did for them. I literally would've done anything just to take my mind off what was happening. Trying to get rid of the demons that were clawing inside my head. I was really down. I was scared and all I wanted to feel supported by someone--anyone.
This was the poem I wrote before I reunited with my childhood sweetheart. It captures every bit of emotion I felt, all the pain, the confusion and what it was like to feel alone... This poem was written the day before I talked to my boyfriend (now). It was odd to me. I never had this idea in my head--that I'd reuinte with him because he was so immature and mean to me. I felt like he didn't like me because of the way he treated me. Now, that I'm with him--I feel more alive. More alive than I had been because I can be myself with him, I don't have to hide myself. I don't have to feel like I have to have it together all the time. He loves me anyway. During this time, he was in such a depressing stage and prior to my Mother mentioning him to me, I didn't want anything to do with him. But, something changed this time around.
I was curious to know what was going on with him. That same week, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was hesitant because of what people were going to say or react. Due to the fact that I hadn't talked to him in five years. It got to the point where I didn't care what people thought. I knew I wanted to be with him. I knew I wanted to try. I knew that I've always loved him even through his teasing years. I remember the moment when he told me what he felt when he saw me again (I was annoyed, I honestly didn't want to see him that Thursday). He told me, "When I saw you again, I don't know what happened but something hit me and I just knew that I wanted to spend forever with you." Honestly, I didn't feel like that at all. The thoughts that were running through my head was this, "I wonder how long it would take me to get to my sister's school, I really don't want to be here, I'm not going to let him kiss me and ugh, he's still the same annoying boy." So, I didn't think much of him and I together.
Yet, something happened... He made me quickly fall for him--just as quickly as falling asleep. He made me believe in love again. He made me see that he changed. That he wasn't the same boy I left five years ago but that he's turned into a man. That Friday, I said yes to becoming his girlfriend.
This poem (this moment), illustrates how consumed I was by memories or things I should've done differently. However, I'm at this stage in my life where career wise I'm officially lost but personally I feel more connected with my family and friends. I feel loved by the same little boy who annoyed me so much and realizing that I've always loved him through the years of childhood.
Yet, we were always at odd lengths. There was a lot of miscommunication and we battled with our unresolved feelings for each other. Searching for things in people we thought we wanted and realizing that the things we searched for--was embedded in one another.
So, just as much as things don't make sense. I hope that this will make you realize that everything happens for a reason. That there are so many reasons to unanswered questions.
Please, click the link above to read one of my organically written pieces (my favorite one yet).
You are not alone.