This, Too Will Pass
Sometimes I close my eyes just for the fun of it. Wondering if anyone would notice the tears falling down my cheeks as I remember your eyes so suddenly. Bewildered because I love you, still do. At times I feel my heart forget your very heartbeat. The very heart I listened to as I kissed my ear to your chest, feeling it thump and wanting to record the song just so I won't forget it. Now the memories are slowly vanishing like you did on that dreadful day of April. Thinking that nothing could go wrong if I held you tighter or if I kissed you longer. At first, the end seemed closer than fighting for you to stay. Everyday, I came over. You played the piano and I always made the point to record you so it's forever locked in my brain-- in my heart. Then on the 3rd of April, you played the piano one last time, thinking it wasn't the end. And I recorded it--one last time.
Not thinking I had lost my forever.
You looked into my eyes as I cried myself out of the reality. That this wasn't really happening. That this wasn't really what you wanted. I shut my eyes so I wouldn't wake up. Hearing you say the things I never thought would come from your mouth. Breaking my heart, indefinitely. I remember begging you to stay, to not leave me like you once did. I begged you to not end this thing that could've been beautiful if the timing wasn't terrible. At the end, I blamed myself for loving you, for wanting you, and believing I had you. I fooled myself in believing that you loved me. That's what you told me, that's what you made me feel. I didn't see the signs that your love had disappeared although, your touch didn't fool me.
"Every night, I close my eyes,
To the sound of your voice,
To the silhouette of your face,
And to the memory of your touch." Perfectly Imperfect
Every time someone asked me about you--us. I told them the sweet story of childhood. Where we've known each other since the age of six, going on adventures, and always having to be together. Going to the same school, living in the same neighborhood, and going to family gatherings. Telling them I always loved you but that our timing was never right and brightening my heart because of your person once we got together. Explaining to them that we finally got the right timing and that I was going to spend forever with you. At least I thought I was. I remember staring into your eyes as you poured out the pain you felt and telling me that this was different. That this time you were never going to let me go again.
Yet, those promises became forgotten words, it poisoned your tongue with regret. Regret that I was no longer the person you wanted. The person you thought you loved. That the pain from your past was too unbearable to move past because you still loved her. You loved someone who didn't care about you like I do. Just like how you selfishly gave me up for her in the past, ultimately cursing your future with me. This time, you did the same thing because you just didn't feel that 'passionate love' you once felt--that you once believed in. You broke my heart and the saddest part is... I never thought I was being played like your piano.
Every note punctured my heart out of existence.
And so you chose the disease instead of paradise.
"Thank you for failing my heart,
For crushing my dreams,
For silencing my voice,
And for closing up my mind.
Know that I don't hate you.
But that I won't trust you the same way again." When We Were Together
It's been 3 months, and although the pain is still present. The silence between us doesn't seem to fail. Everyday I pray and pray, hoping that you're okay and that you're happy. Hoping if I wait long enough... you'd reach out. But I know that you're not that kind of man. Your pride will win over your sense and sensibility. As long as you don't see the true value in yourself, the love and value I saw in your heart, you won't be happy. While you love her, I'll keep loving you until someone else can fill the void inside my heart you purposely drilled through.
And so our love story couldn't sustain the heavy storm that was meant to pour.
Just like this silence that can fit the entire solar system—this will last forever.