In the Ember
Mar 31, 2018 by Analieze Cervantes
I sit beneath the broken skyline, above the grass and enveloped by the cold wind.
My eyes are swollen, and my throat is clogged up by the countless of pleadful words. I can't think straight, I can't breathe right, and I can't hold onto the past-- the memories. It all hurts too much. I begin to disintegrate like ash from the burning wood. My thoughts are consumed by his face and by his words. The last thing he said to me before his eyes were sealed for good, "You are everything I asked for and I'm blessed to have shared this life with you. I love you baby, I'll see you soon."
I didn't say it back.
I allowed the phone call to grow silent until it was time to disconnect. I didn't want to. I wanted to hold on to him. For as long as I could. Yet, I became paralyzed-- I didn't say the things I wanted to say. I nervously held my breath every time I took a swiff of his scent. It was like my safety net, and every time I dug my nose beneath his chin, it was like the first time. New and fresh. I didn't get tired of his beauty and all I wanted was to engrave his scent into my memory. It was all I needed. I needed him.
His green eyes fell asleep, permanetly.
And my heart cracked like a vase full of shredded roses. The essence is still there but at the same time it doesn't exist-- unfixable.
It's like I'm suffocating all the time and he's not here to make me feel better. I pull my knees to my face, shaking my head to the sound of his voice and closing my eyes to the beauty of his face. It's all too much. My heart doesn't matter because I don't have him to protect it. It was like he hid it away inside a box, locked up and he was the only one that held the key. This is all too much. I sink into his gray sweatshirt, feeling like I've drowned within his warm embrace. I hold the sleeve to my nose, breathing in who he was and trying to hold onto who he could've been.
What we could've been.
I begin to remember the way he pulled my hair behind my ears, and the way he looked into my eyes as if I was his gateway to heaven. The blanket of stars shines above my head and I try to avoid the memories of his motionless body. The way the blood draped his entire body. It was nothing like I've ever seen. I don't want to remember it. Yet, I don't want him to feel like I've forgotten him. I don't want him to see me this way. Like, I'm a battered up woman with no sight of the future. He was the essence of it all. My focal point. I begin to cup my hand to the loose soil in the grass, and then allow it to scatter out of my reach. Closing my eyes to the memory of his breathing. So real.
"Baby, you need to get out there again." I imagine him touching my shoulder.
"I can't go on without you." I whisper to the wind.
"You can, because I'll always be with you." I feel his thumb gently rub my cheekbone.
"Not in the way, I want." Feeling the moonlight above my shoulders.
"But, in the way that matters." He kisses my forehead, "Ember, you deserve the world."
My throat shrinks as I try to hold back the tears. "I don't think I do." I run my fingers through my knotted hair. "Ethan, I lost myself once you left. I can't just let you go."
"You deserve so much and I only wished for it to be me who gave you everything you've ever wanted."
"I wanted that too."
He grows silent.
"Why did you go?" I wipe away the fallen tear.
"I don't know baby. I don't know. But, Ember I want you to be happy." I feel his imaginary lips crush against mine.
I open my eyes, and he's nowhere to be found.
My eyes are swollen, and my throat is clogged up by the countless of pleadful words. I can't think straight, I can't breathe right, and I can't hold onto the past-- the memories. It all hurts too much. I begin to disintegrate like ash from the burning wood. My thoughts are consumed by his face and by his words. The last thing he said to me before his eyes were sealed for good, "You are everything I asked for and I'm blessed to have shared this life with you. I love you baby, I'll see you soon."
I didn't say it back.
I allowed the phone call to grow silent until it was time to disconnect. I didn't want to. I wanted to hold on to him. For as long as I could. Yet, I became paralyzed-- I didn't say the things I wanted to say. I nervously held my breath every time I took a swiff of his scent. It was like my safety net, and every time I dug my nose beneath his chin, it was like the first time. New and fresh. I didn't get tired of his beauty and all I wanted was to engrave his scent into my memory. It was all I needed. I needed him.
His green eyes fell asleep, permanetly.
And my heart cracked like a vase full of shredded roses. The essence is still there but at the same time it doesn't exist-- unfixable.
It's like I'm suffocating all the time and he's not here to make me feel better. I pull my knees to my face, shaking my head to the sound of his voice and closing my eyes to the beauty of his face. It's all too much. My heart doesn't matter because I don't have him to protect it. It was like he hid it away inside a box, locked up and he was the only one that held the key. This is all too much. I sink into his gray sweatshirt, feeling like I've drowned within his warm embrace. I hold the sleeve to my nose, breathing in who he was and trying to hold onto who he could've been.
What we could've been.
I begin to remember the way he pulled my hair behind my ears, and the way he looked into my eyes as if I was his gateway to heaven. The blanket of stars shines above my head and I try to avoid the memories of his motionless body. The way the blood draped his entire body. It was nothing like I've ever seen. I don't want to remember it. Yet, I don't want him to feel like I've forgotten him. I don't want him to see me this way. Like, I'm a battered up woman with no sight of the future. He was the essence of it all. My focal point. I begin to cup my hand to the loose soil in the grass, and then allow it to scatter out of my reach. Closing my eyes to the memory of his breathing. So real.
"Baby, you need to get out there again." I imagine him touching my shoulder.
"I can't go on without you." I whisper to the wind.
"You can, because I'll always be with you." I feel his thumb gently rub my cheekbone.
"Not in the way, I want." Feeling the moonlight above my shoulders.
"But, in the way that matters." He kisses my forehead, "Ember, you deserve the world."
My throat shrinks as I try to hold back the tears. "I don't think I do." I run my fingers through my knotted hair. "Ethan, I lost myself once you left. I can't just let you go."
"You deserve so much and I only wished for it to be me who gave you everything you've ever wanted."
"I wanted that too."
He grows silent.
"Why did you go?" I wipe away the fallen tear.
"I don't know baby. I don't know. But, Ember I want you to be happy." I feel his imaginary lips crush against mine.
I open my eyes, and he's nowhere to be found.