Web of Love and Creating a Platform
May 25, 2018 by Analieze Cervantes
Love is something I couldn't fully grasp because it hasn't been given to me in a way that I've always wanted. Courting, getting to know each other and realizing that this was something I'm ready for. I've experienced different loves. Ones that has made me a better person, or even made me doubt myself with everything in my body. I've dealt a lot of played cards, feeling great one minute then feeling not so great the next. I don't think I really know what true love is because I never got the opportunity to feel the things I do or given the chance to fully express what I feel because it ends before it even starts.
There are different webs of love-- most are exhilarating or unknowing.
I've had a lot of so "called" loves because I've been close to feeling alright with what I've been given. I had this childhood love that stemmed from elementary school to the beginning of my high school career. Being told that we were two people who were supposed to find one another. That we were supposed to understand one another because of how close our families were. Being told that we were two souls interwoven by the hands of God. I believed that. I believed all of it, no wonder I was so blinded. I didn't see anyone else but him. I allowed him to treat me like just another. Yet, there were so many things that lead to the conclusion that I was made with one of his ribs. I knew he wasn't the one because everything he was... was nothing I wanted.
The next most important love was given to me by God. After I was so confused by everything that was presented in front of me. I met him when I was strongest in my faith. I was introduced to him by God and in front of God. I was given the opportunity to hold onto him for as long as I did. He's special to me, always will be special. Because to me he was perfect. He was tall, wide-shouldered, had this smile that bloomed bright, and looked into my face in a way I finally felt like I existed. He was someone I could talk to for hours, and just be myself with him. I feel so comfortable with him and that's rare. To be able to facetime with him and show him my nostrils is something I won't ever understand. Yet, the love I felt was definetly ONE SIDED. He didn't feel what I felt even though everything concluded that he did. By the way he stared into my face, By the way he smiled. When he saw me in my prom dress, he told me I was beautiful and he was shaking nervously beside me and I couldn't help but to feel the same. But it was all an illusion. I imagined something that wasn't there. We're friends now and we always talk about how we want the same things: a family, a career, and a long lasting love with someone we can trust. Yet, we aren't for one another. We aren't for each other because if we were then we would be together, NOW. Somehow, I strongly believe that I could've made him happy if he allowed me to. If he let me. We were perfectly imperfect in my head and he was everything I thought I wanted. Still probably will always be the man I love.
A few years after, I fell for another quickly in the months of October to January. The winter festivities. The love that wasn't publicly shown because we always hanged out at his house for "Netflix and Chill". I remember feeling so helpless when it came to him. He had this beard full of goodness. This look in his eyes that pleaded for love and I gladly gave it to him. He talked to me everyday up until he no longer did. He claimed that he felt serenity, calmess when I was with him. I remember feeling so happy because I believed I was lucky to hold him in my arms. I remember looking into his face and feeling so nervous. Claiming that he was the most beautiful man but later to find out that he was ugly in the inside. He pushed me aside. He ghosted off my earth with no explanation. 3 years older than me and he was childish. He didn't appreciate me. He used me as his rebound to get over his last girlfriend. Claiming he wasn't ready to immerse himself into a relationship that scared him because I know that every time he looked at me-- he felt something important. A year later, I finally deleted him off of everything because I couldn't stand seeing him so happy with someone else after all the pain he put me through. I just didn't understand how he can find happiness even after everything he did to me. Making me feel useless and unworthy of love. He shoved me aside when he finally got over his "Break Up hump". Now, he's with another, happy and he left me the way he found me, broken.
Then my most recent love, came to me unexpectedly. I wasn't investing him in the beginning because I've been hurt before so with him I had my walls up but then suddenly my walls collapsed before I even blinked. I was invested in him. He gave me love that I didn't think I could get. I began to fall for him by every "Good Morning Beautiful" text message he sent me in the morning before I woke up. I began to fall for the kind of person he was, the kind of person he allowed me to see-- the kindness and the gentleness he projected off his smile. Yet, he's done every bad possible thing you could think of and he was worried that I was going to run away from him. But I'm not that type of person. I stay until there's nothing left to fight for. He told me every dark thing he's done in the past and for those reasons made him "perfectly wrong" for me. Yet, I loved him anyways. I loved him because of the beauty he gave me by every look he allowed me to see. I remember our fourth date, we went to Disneyland and he made me feel so many different types of emotions. Every time I saw him, butterflies began fluttering at the bottom of my stomach and it was something I didn't appreciate until I no longer had him. I think back, and I wish I could've done things differently. To appreciate him from the beginning-- maybe then I would still have him in my arms. We had these jokes about him turning into the Hulk if he didn't eat or how he had bad hands because he couldn't stop holding me. Now, they're just memories. Memories I want to erase because of how much I loved him. How much I miss him, still do.
He will always be my Hulk.
That won't ever change.
Each one has taught me either a lesson or has taught me to forgive them because it's something that has made me grow into the person I am today. Without them I don't know where I'd be. Yes, they stripped me bare and made me no longer believe in the love written in novels beccause they don't validate the love I've had. I haven't found the right one. I haven't found the person that gives me heart eyes or makes me post a picture about them everyday. Or any moment, to just express the kind of love I have for them. Each love was different but I fell in love with them because they made me feel safe and I fell for their person. These webs of love are different. They will always be even if it's a friendship, family, career or even true love. Maybe I don't know what love truly is and that's okay.
Even though, my love has been shaken-- my love for writing HAS NOT SHAKEN because it's something I want to hold onto.
I hope that I will always hold onto my love for WRITING. But, first I need a platform to expose myself and allow myself to get me where I need to be. When I went to the 2017 Writer's Digest Conference, they told us we needed a platform. A writer platform that opens up doors to different opportunitites. I want that more than anything. I want to be given the chance to carry a career of my dreams. I need this platform to encourage agents and even writers to understand that I'm in this for the long haul. That I'm ready to take this on with every bit of myself.
Yes, I've been heartbroken 6 times by the age of 23 but I'm not allowing it to stop me from reaching what I most want in life. For now, I've given up. I've given up trying to find someone who won't leave before we begin. I hope that my love for writing will be enough to make me happy. Will be enough for me to go on without searching for the "right."
I hope that you are at the finish line, lending out a hand and letting me know I'm not alone.
Know that you're not alone, because I'm here holding you tight in my heart.
Always.
There are different webs of love-- most are exhilarating or unknowing.
I've had a lot of so "called" loves because I've been close to feeling alright with what I've been given. I had this childhood love that stemmed from elementary school to the beginning of my high school career. Being told that we were two people who were supposed to find one another. That we were supposed to understand one another because of how close our families were. Being told that we were two souls interwoven by the hands of God. I believed that. I believed all of it, no wonder I was so blinded. I didn't see anyone else but him. I allowed him to treat me like just another. Yet, there were so many things that lead to the conclusion that I was made with one of his ribs. I knew he wasn't the one because everything he was... was nothing I wanted.
The next most important love was given to me by God. After I was so confused by everything that was presented in front of me. I met him when I was strongest in my faith. I was introduced to him by God and in front of God. I was given the opportunity to hold onto him for as long as I did. He's special to me, always will be special. Because to me he was perfect. He was tall, wide-shouldered, had this smile that bloomed bright, and looked into my face in a way I finally felt like I existed. He was someone I could talk to for hours, and just be myself with him. I feel so comfortable with him and that's rare. To be able to facetime with him and show him my nostrils is something I won't ever understand. Yet, the love I felt was definetly ONE SIDED. He didn't feel what I felt even though everything concluded that he did. By the way he stared into my face, By the way he smiled. When he saw me in my prom dress, he told me I was beautiful and he was shaking nervously beside me and I couldn't help but to feel the same. But it was all an illusion. I imagined something that wasn't there. We're friends now and we always talk about how we want the same things: a family, a career, and a long lasting love with someone we can trust. Yet, we aren't for one another. We aren't for each other because if we were then we would be together, NOW. Somehow, I strongly believe that I could've made him happy if he allowed me to. If he let me. We were perfectly imperfect in my head and he was everything I thought I wanted. Still probably will always be the man I love.
A few years after, I fell for another quickly in the months of October to January. The winter festivities. The love that wasn't publicly shown because we always hanged out at his house for "Netflix and Chill". I remember feeling so helpless when it came to him. He had this beard full of goodness. This look in his eyes that pleaded for love and I gladly gave it to him. He talked to me everyday up until he no longer did. He claimed that he felt serenity, calmess when I was with him. I remember feeling so happy because I believed I was lucky to hold him in my arms. I remember looking into his face and feeling so nervous. Claiming that he was the most beautiful man but later to find out that he was ugly in the inside. He pushed me aside. He ghosted off my earth with no explanation. 3 years older than me and he was childish. He didn't appreciate me. He used me as his rebound to get over his last girlfriend. Claiming he wasn't ready to immerse himself into a relationship that scared him because I know that every time he looked at me-- he felt something important. A year later, I finally deleted him off of everything because I couldn't stand seeing him so happy with someone else after all the pain he put me through. I just didn't understand how he can find happiness even after everything he did to me. Making me feel useless and unworthy of love. He shoved me aside when he finally got over his "Break Up hump". Now, he's with another, happy and he left me the way he found me, broken.
Then my most recent love, came to me unexpectedly. I wasn't investing him in the beginning because I've been hurt before so with him I had my walls up but then suddenly my walls collapsed before I even blinked. I was invested in him. He gave me love that I didn't think I could get. I began to fall for him by every "Good Morning Beautiful" text message he sent me in the morning before I woke up. I began to fall for the kind of person he was, the kind of person he allowed me to see-- the kindness and the gentleness he projected off his smile. Yet, he's done every bad possible thing you could think of and he was worried that I was going to run away from him. But I'm not that type of person. I stay until there's nothing left to fight for. He told me every dark thing he's done in the past and for those reasons made him "perfectly wrong" for me. Yet, I loved him anyways. I loved him because of the beauty he gave me by every look he allowed me to see. I remember our fourth date, we went to Disneyland and he made me feel so many different types of emotions. Every time I saw him, butterflies began fluttering at the bottom of my stomach and it was something I didn't appreciate until I no longer had him. I think back, and I wish I could've done things differently. To appreciate him from the beginning-- maybe then I would still have him in my arms. We had these jokes about him turning into the Hulk if he didn't eat or how he had bad hands because he couldn't stop holding me. Now, they're just memories. Memories I want to erase because of how much I loved him. How much I miss him, still do.
He will always be my Hulk.
That won't ever change.
Each one has taught me either a lesson or has taught me to forgive them because it's something that has made me grow into the person I am today. Without them I don't know where I'd be. Yes, they stripped me bare and made me no longer believe in the love written in novels beccause they don't validate the love I've had. I haven't found the right one. I haven't found the person that gives me heart eyes or makes me post a picture about them everyday. Or any moment, to just express the kind of love I have for them. Each love was different but I fell in love with them because they made me feel safe and I fell for their person. These webs of love are different. They will always be even if it's a friendship, family, career or even true love. Maybe I don't know what love truly is and that's okay.
Even though, my love has been shaken-- my love for writing HAS NOT SHAKEN because it's something I want to hold onto.
I hope that I will always hold onto my love for WRITING. But, first I need a platform to expose myself and allow myself to get me where I need to be. When I went to the 2017 Writer's Digest Conference, they told us we needed a platform. A writer platform that opens up doors to different opportunitites. I want that more than anything. I want to be given the chance to carry a career of my dreams. I need this platform to encourage agents and even writers to understand that I'm in this for the long haul. That I'm ready to take this on with every bit of myself.
Yes, I've been heartbroken 6 times by the age of 23 but I'm not allowing it to stop me from reaching what I most want in life. For now, I've given up. I've given up trying to find someone who won't leave before we begin. I hope that my love for writing will be enough to make me happy. Will be enough for me to go on without searching for the "right."
I hope that you are at the finish line, lending out a hand and letting me know I'm not alone.
Know that you're not alone, because I'm here holding you tight in my heart.
Always.