Analieze Writing & Editorial

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The Unwritten Promise

Jun 02, 2018 by Analieze Cervantes
I'm standing beneath the blanket of stars and looking up at the crystalized moon. Holding my breath to the sound of his voice ringing in my ears. Wondering if he'll be okay without me. Be okay going on in a world that doesn't belong to me. That doesn't belong to us. He touches the pad of his thumb to my cheekbone, gently caressing my skin all the while staring into my eyes. He leans in closer, kissing his forehead to mine and pulling me closer into his embrace. Smelling his scent rub off along with the cold wind. There's so many things that keep me away from him. So many uncertainties and so many questions of doubt. The one thing that still remains is this tremendous amount of love I feel toward him. However, that won't ever be enough. He's made me doubt him on the days I've needed him the most, making me believe that I was unworthy of this kind of love-- empathy and compassion. 

He left his life back in Norfolk, to live a life beside mine but sometimes I feel that none of what I felt for him will ever compare to the man I lost. I look into Lucas' eyes, trying to find myself mirroring off his pupils, and realizing that I don't look at him the way I looked at him. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe I'm just not ready. I wasn't meant to have a life aside from my last-- we were supposed to grow old together. Now, that I'm without him. I can't seem to get rid of this vacancy inside of my hollowed chest. He says he doesn't mind waiting. But, I can see it in his eyes and I can feel it in my bones that he doesn't want half of me. He wants me fully. How can I love him fully if I loved another? How can I go on thinking that this will all get better? 

His nose grazes the tip of mine, feeling his breath against my lips. I don't know why he left everything, his shop, and everything he was working so hard for. Just to be with me. Just to keep me closer and take care of me. The thing is, I don't want to be cared for because I can do it myself. But this uncertainty I feel every time I'm alone terrifies me. How can I let go of the one who wasn't supposed to leave? How can I go on without him? I can tell myself that everything will be okay but in the end will it? I know, I'm conflicted. I want him, but then I don't. Which is why he deserves all of me in the way he wants. I can't be splitting myself in half because of the past. I need to be ready to go on.

"What are you thinking about?" Lucas tears away his forehead from my touch.
"Thinking about how I've taken so much from you." I honestly say.
"Em, you've given me so much more. A world of happiness by your side." He pulls the hair behind my ear, magnetizing me to his face.
"What if I don't get to where you are?"
"Well, that's the beauty of love... I'll be waiting. And when you're ready, I'll be by your side." His smile shines against the moonlight.

And I hope he keeps his unwritten promise.
I pull him tighter, placing my nose beneath his clean shaven skin-- breathing in the rest of his cologne.