Two Lost Souls
I stare at her face.
Watching as she bites her lip.
My favorite thing about her.
Crossing her arms over her chest and looking into my face. I’m saddened by her incapability to fight for me and to tell me that she was okay. Yet, instead she didn’t and I’m left being the idiot who was waiting for her. For someone who wasn’t going to change.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice cracks and there’s a film of worry in her blue eyes.
“It’s fine.” I say, short. My eyes avoid her soft eyes, her flushed skin, and her pink lips. Not wanting to fall back into a spell I know I can’t win. I love her way too damn much to think things will change.
“Can we fix this?” She quickly asks, but in her voice there is a hint of regret. The same regret she had with me when she became mine. Making it seem like I no longer mattered due to her silence and her lack of trying to keep me in her life. Why in the hell should I care about fixing it now? If she didn’t? She wasn’t there when I needed her. Every time something hit me hard—she was nowhere to be found. Knowing possibly every little thing that was hitting my life with stones. She didn’t care. She didn’t call. She didn’t do anything. I look at her and I feel anger because I would’ve done anything for her, to keep her safe and to make her happy. But, she wouldn’t do the same thing. We are different people. She’s selfish and all I thought of was her. When my mom got sick, she didn’t reach out. It was second nature to her. Everything dealing with me sizzled out of her with little importance.
It’s some fucked up shit.
And I look at her… all I want to do is pull her into my arms.
“Luca…” Her voice gentle, her blue eyes sparkles beneath the incoming moonlight like stars blinking above the ocean.
“Em…” I can’t help it, I want her back. I need her. I love her. “I don’t know what to say. You left me for years and you want this to go back to normal? It doesn’t work like that.”
“I know, I know.” She moves closer but then moves backwards.
“It’s not the same anymore.” I can feel my heart cracking by the seconds. I breathe in the cold air and release it. Feeling the guilt poison the back of my throat. The thoughts of Madison—using her to get over the one person I couldn’t. Feeling as though I was the villain in my own story, self-sabotaging my happiness in order to move forward. Yet, she didn’t even try to come back. She had so many chances, so many windows and so many family events that she could’ve made an appearance to. But she didn’t and I’m the asshole for thinking that she would.
“I know I broke your heart Luca, but can we just—” Her voice cuts off, she uncrosses her arms from her chest, and they fall to her sides.
“Em, I don’t know how you can make this better.” I sigh, remembering the sleepless nights where I’d cry into my pillows while staring at the videos and the pictures. Watching as she deleted every single post that were dedicated to me the day after the breakup. Watching as my posts lingered on for another two months… hoping that I wouldn’t have to delete them because she’d realize she made a mistake.
That didn’t happen.
Instead I watched as she took me off of every social media platform, belittling my existence and erasing me from her life. As if I meant nothing. But now, I’m sitting here with her and all I feel is anger and pain.
“You don’t know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone to call you.” She admits softly, her blue eyes shimmering against the moonlight. Yet, all I feel is resentment.
“Em, it took me a good year to get over you and you want to know what I did for that year?” I ask as the soft cold wind takes my breath.
“What?” She says, digging her hands into the pockets of her jean jacket.
“I wrote you a letter, once a week for a year.” I quickly look at her and then look away. Trying to fight the tears back.
“Yeah, I did. And every time I wrote you one. I told myself that if I’m patient enough, you’d return. That this letter I was writing would be my last one.” I pause, and clear my throat. “But then letter twelve, became letter twenty-seven, and then letter twenty-seven became letter forty-eight.”
She stares into my eyes with a strong gaze. I can feel her emotions radiate off her body. Remembering those moments where our arguments were due to not being able to control what we felt.
“I always had hope Em. But then suddenly that hope turned into indifference.”
She looks away. Her blue eyes shut.
Tears water-falling down her cheeks.
She turns away from me, watching as she leans to one side, and hearing the fight of her heavy breathing.
“That wasn’t what I wanted.” Em says.
“Yeah, maybe but that’s how we ended up.” I truthfully say. “You can’t come back and make it all better. You broke my heart Em. You forced me out of your life and I had to sleep my way through women to forget you. You think this is what I wanted?” I sigh heavily, feeling like my world is yet again exploding. Exploding out of fear from both of us. “I didn’t want this. I wanted you to be in my life. I had promised that I wouldn’t leave you again…” She turns to look at me. “You forced me to break my promise.”
“Luca…” Her tears flow down uncontrollably while her breathing highlight the pain inside her chest. “I don’t know why I did it. All of it. I don’t know why I self-sabotaged my happiness. I don’t know why I broke my promises. I don’t know why I made you do the same. I don’t have an explanation.”
Her eyes stare into mine, noticing how the film of desire brighten against the moonlight.
I know I want her.
I know I need her.
I know I love her.
But I just can’t. I don’t want to love her anymore. I don’t want to feel my heartbeat quicken every time she walks into the room. I don’t want to remember her soft skin against mine. I don’t want to remember how she fits perfectly in my arms. I don’t think it’s right. I don’t think it's healthy. She ended this for a reason and maybe we shouldn’t reopen that door anymore. Maybe this should be the end of this. That we shouldn’t try. That we should’t try to make it work when obviously it didn’t. She had her reasons for breaking my heart on April 3rd.
I remember her face.
I remember the range of her voice.
The moment she shut me out of existence can’t be forgotten. It can’t be remolded into something better. Maybe this is it. Maybe we weren’t meant to be. Maybe at one point we did but we changed. She changed. I changed.
We’re different people who were meant to love each other in that span of time and that’s it. We shouldn’t be here, discussing this over and over. It isn’t good. It isn’t right. But how do I tell my heart not to love her? I can feed myself lies but they don’t make them true.
“Em, maybe it’s best to leave this as it is. Broken.” I softly say. Watching her expression change.
“Please, Luca.” She sandwiches her hands on my neck, rolling onto her tiptoes, staring into my eyes as my heartbeat quickens. “Please, I don’t want to go on without you.”
I close my eyes.
Our foreheads touch.
I slowly breathe her in and the memories begin to flood my mind. Overwhelming my thoughts of when I walked out her door, hoping she'd come running back to me. Remembering her thighs wrapped around my waist, her skin glistening against my skin, her hands running across my chest—my arms, and her laugh illuminating such a dim world. Squeezing the sheets into her hands as her moan filled the room. Kissing every inch of her radiating skin with my lips. Tightening my grip around her beautiful body.
Wanting to be in that perfect moment.
Wanting my best friend back.
Yet, remembering the moment she decided to be without me. Deciding for me—when all I wanted was her. Ended those moments and we would be fools to try this again and to believe we're meant to be. That's a fairytale. And this is reality. She's a queen I can't have. We aren't little kids anymore and we can't force something that's been torn to pieces. It can't be mended, the damage is there... leaking. No matter how much I love her. I can't force myself to love her blindly like I once did.
It isn't right for either of us.