Escape of Time
From the corner of my eye, I see him slowly swing back and forth. Tucking his feet into the wood-chips on the floor. The silence filling up like helium. My eyes glance up at the stars, as they twinkle against the clouds. My heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest and there is no way to bring it back. It’s been in his hands for the past few years and I didn’t know how to ask for it back. Whether or not I even wanted to. I hear him sigh which is a start. Just say something, anything. I don’t mind what he comes up with. I want to hear his voice, to touch his skin, and to kiss his lips.
“So what brings you here?” I break the silence, feeling the cold wind compress my throat.
“Just had to get some things for my uncle.” Finally, his voice. I missed it. I miss him.
“Oh okay.” I say, still wondering why he’s at this park.
“How have you been?” He clears his throat.
“I’ve been good, I opened up a dance studio downtown.” I look over at him, and his head is down.
“That’s good, Em. I’m happy for you.” Yet, I didn’t believe he was because I know he resents me for leaving.
I resent myself.
For considering it and actually doing it.
“Thanks, how have you been?”
“I’ve been okay, I expanded my garage and opened up a few more spots.” He tells me, kicking wood-chips.
My voice still compressed, my heart palpitating faster.
“That’s great, Lucas.” I can hear the subtle excitement in my voice so I dial it down. Again, there is silence, he gets up from the swing and walks forward. Now, his back is in clear view and all I want to do is run my hands down his muscles.
“I’m sorry, Luca.” I break the silence again. He slightly turns to see me but stops midway. “I know there aren’t enough words to convince you that I truly mean it but I do.”
“Em, you don’t need to do this. You don’t owe me anything.” He shakes his hand at me.
“But I do.” I get off the swing. Feeling the cold wind smack my back as I get closer. “I was selfish. I wasn’t thinking about you and how it would affect you.”
“Really, Em? You don’t need to do this.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” He turns around and there are tears in his eyes. I feel like nothing I say will make it better and I deserve it.
“Okay, okay.” I look down for a quick second and I can feel his eyes studying my body language.
“To this day, I don’t understand why.” He comments.
I look up at him, “I had a reason but now I don’t remember it.”
Again, silence that only lasted for a few seconds.
“I’ve been a mess. But what makes this worse is that you never came back even though I hoped you would.” A tear rolls down his cheeks and he wipes it away.
“I know Luca. I know.”
“If you knew then why didn’t you?”
“Because I was scared.” I say truthfully.
“Scared of what?”
“Rejection.” I breathe in and out.
Instead of judgement, he just stares at me with compassion. A kind of love that hasn’t died even with the separation. A separation I forced him to take.
“Rejection? Come on Em.” He puffs out.
“Yes, because I thought if I came back then you wouldn’t want me. That you’d say no.”
“You’re the one who left. I promised you I wouldn’t. If you had came back, I would’ve let you but first I’d make sure you wouldn’t do it again.” He looks into my eyes, they don’t waver.
I take my seconds to calm my breathing.
Wanting to hold him in my arms.
So he can remind me that this isn’t over.